Alison's Finding Herself

I just started flipping through this book on codependency because my therapist recommended “Codependent No More” by Melody Beatty and it hasn’t arrived yet. Anyway, the book is called “Codependent Cure” by Jean Harrison and Beatty Grey.

This one line just blew me away, “They focus so much on improving this person’s quality of life that their own life withers in the meantime.” It feels like I have spent the majority of my relationship with my husband making changes trying to achieve this unattainable goal of making him happy. After countless decisions about property, jobs, custody, and duties I have concluded that there is never going to be anything that myself, or my children, can do to make this man happy.

How has it taken me this long to figure it out? I always knew that happiness came from within, yet I kept trying to make someone happy that needed to find it within themselves. He still doesn’t see that, and continues to blame myself and my children for his unhappiness. If I were a stricter mother, if I “came down” on my kids, if my kids were more obedient, then maybe we would be worthy of kindness, and maybe even interest & effort!

This part, at least, is not a me problem. The me problem is that I take on so much responsibility for the emotions of others, especially in romantic relationships. I have allowed for behavior that wounds me to the core of my soul, in an effort to keep peace and quiet in my home. I convince myself that I am “too nice,” “too permissive,” “too soft,” “too forgetful,” “too inconsistent,” too this… too that.. It is so emotionally draining. Going very low contact the last few weeks has made it really clear that raising kids is not this torturous season of life. It IS tiring, but mostly it is too short, precious, humbling, soothing to my soul, and so much more then I ever dreamt it could be and I am reminded of that every single day. I will never look back and regret the love, grace, kindness, and patience that I have given to my children.

I will no longer accept burdens that don’t belong to me to please others. I will not allow children to accept responsibility for relationships with adults and I will not keep sucking my life of joy, jumping through hoops of fire, to fix something that can only be fixed from within.